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Jay Remer

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An invitation to a wedding is one of the most personal invitations we receive. In most cases a lot of care has gone into the design and wording.

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In this day and age there are endless variations on family structure. It can be very confusing to know how to address certain situations. Take for example, a blended family where one or both of the parents of the bride or groom are divorced or widowed. Or what about a child who is given up for adoption at birth, is reared by an adoptive mother or father, and the birth parent appears on the scene when the child is about to marry? These are highly sensitive situations which must be handled with discretion and diplomacy. I receive questions almost daily about these awkward scenarios and prefer to deal with them privately.

Today, let's focus on a traditional family where the bride's parents host the wedding, the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner and the Maid of Honour or bridesmaids host the bridal shower. The groomsmen are off the hook, except for the bachelors' party but in my personal experience, more often than not, proper etiquette and decorum is circumvented at such occasions, so we'll leave them alone for now.

Depending on how formal the wedding is usually dictates what sort of invitation is to be sent. For large, formal weddings of more than 100 people, an engraved or specially designed and printed invitation is suitable. The invitation states the basic information: who the bride's parents are, who the bride and groom are, date, time, location and an RSVP contact. There is no mention of gifts on any invitation - ever.

Often times, there is a reply card and envelope included for RSVPs. You generally reply with your name and name of guest, if one is invited. If no guest is invited do not indicate you will be bringing one. Uninvited guests are never welcome.

In the case of a reception following the wedding ceremony, the location is indicated on the card. If there is a dinner, a choice of entrée may well be included. Here is a good place to indicate food allergies - not preferences, but real allergies. Such insert cards come in handy when not all of the guests from the ceremony will be invited to the reception. (The reverse is true as well. Some wedding ceremonies are quite small and then a large reception follows.) In this instance, the main invitation goes to all the guests and the insert card is sent to those guests included at the smaller reception. Be sure to respond to any invitations you receive as quickly as possible - preferably within 48 hours. If you are not sure if you'll attend, you have two choices. One would be to phone the host and explain the situation. Let them know that you will have a firm reply no later than seven days before the date of the event. If you are still unsure then, you must regret the invitation. The other choice is to regret the invitation immediately.

Rehearsal dinners are generally hosted by the groom's parents. A separate invitation is sent by them. Be prompt in replying to this invitation as well. The host is charged for the number of dinners ordered and the head count must be in the hands of the restaurant or club seven days in advance to ensure the proper amount of food is ordered. In informal situations, a phone call or simple handwritten invitation is appropriate.

Bridal showers are generally given by either the Maid of Honour or the bridesmaids. Traditionally, this is a party for ladies only. Gifts are, of course, expected but never mentioned on the invitation. These invitations tend to be less formal and are almost always handwritten or delivered by phone. This is one gathering where registries are mentioned for gifts.

Today, e-mail seems to be taking over many forms of communication. I receive as many invitations by e-mail as by snail mail. I don't think wedding invitations should be delivered this way, no matter how informal the event. Treat the wedding with the respect it deserves.

I know how many questions abound around the topic of gifts. Brides are registered at various stores. They want certain things. They need certain things. But in no circumstance is it ever OK to include a hint of a gift on or in an invitation. The solution is word of mouth. Most people invited to a wedding are close friends of either the bride or groom or both and know how to find out what they might like. Call the Best Man or Maid of Honour. Call the mother of the bride or other close family members. Even ask the bride or groom.

Being invited to anything should not come with a price tag (unless, of course, it's a fundraising event for a non-profit organization). Good manners dictate that a gift is generally in order, however; and finding a personal appropriate gift shows not only the respect you have for the couple but reflects on the respect you have for yourself.

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.