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Jay Remer

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So where did all these rules for good manners and proper etiquette originate?

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That was a question recently asked of me by the father of a close friend of mine. And it is a good question. When I was a young boy and asked the "Why?" question, which all young children ask, the answer was "Because I said so!" But as we grow up, we tend to ask questions because we really want to know the answer. Good manners and protocol are the cornerstones of civilized society and date back to the ancient Egyptians, around 2000 B.C. The text known as the Prisse Papyrus is still preserved in the Bibliothèque nationale in Paris. The Instructions of Ptahhotep was a father's letter to his son full of maxims and advice.

Years later, as we began to evolve as a society and left the warring nomadic life, it became necessary and, in fact, desirable to establish official documents that governed how various heads of state or their ministers communicate. Thus protocol was solidified and has come to encompass diplomacy, ceremony and etiquette.

"Diplomacy is nothing but a lot of hot air," said a companion to French Statesman George Clemenceau as they rode to a peace conference. "All etiquette is hot air," replied Clemenceau. "But that is what is in our automobile tires; notice how it eases the bumps."

And so it is in government, business and social circles today. An elaborate system of the ways we communicate with one another shows that we have respect for our fellow man. A lack of it is known in business circles as the silent killer. No one will point out your foibles; they just won't want to do business with you.

My friend's father put forth the argument that acceptable behaviour was what the majority of people do by their own choice. As society's habits change, then so do rules governing proper behaviour. To an extent this has some merit. But not always. For example, just because most of us use computers and the Internet to communicate, that does not mean handwritten thank you notes will go out of style. There is always a balance between old and new. Nowhere is this more evident than in fashion. Both men's and women's fashion come and go and then often elements of a generation past, come back.

In business, social, intergovernmental and diplomatic circles, rules of behaviour are slow to change. Granted, finger bowls may not be used at 24 Sussex Drive dinners as they were in the past, but few other codes of behaviour have changed. This flexible permanence gives stability to an unstable world.

Coincidental with my column of thank yous two weeks ago was the article on Margaret Visser's new book, The Gift of Thanks. She spoke as part of the Lorenzo Reading Series at the University of New Brunswick in Saint John. However, there was a stark contrast between my column and this bestselling author. In her new book, Visser delves into the origins and meaning behind gratitude, from the point of view of an anthropologist. She debunks the theory that gratitude is in our genetic makeup and that it needs to be taught. She goes back to primitive man and his social behaviour. I can hardly wait to read this new book. Along with her earlier bestsellers she shows that the complex set of rules by which we as a society live, are based on common sense and are rooted well into the past.

The history and origins of etiquette are French. Etiquette used to mean "keep off the grass." Dorothea Johnson, founder of the Protocol School of Washington, explains, "When Louis XIV's gardener at Versailles discovered that the aristocrats were trampling through his gardens, he put up signs, or 'etiquets', to warn them off. But dukes and duchesses walked right past the signs anyway. Finally, the King himself had a decree that no one was to go beyond the bounds of the 'etiquets'. The meaning of etiquette later was expanded to include the ticket to court functions that listed the rules on where to stand and what to do. Like language, etiquette evolves, but in a sense it still means "keep off the grass." If we stay within the flexible bounds of etiquette, we will give relationships a chance to grow; we will give ourselves a chance to grow; and we will be able to present ourselves with confidence and authority in all areas of our professional and personal life."

Jay Remer is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol. He lives in St. Andrews. E-mail your etiquette questions to jay@etiquetteguy.com and visit his website at www.etiquetteguy.com.